Still Pink The Sky

still pink with morning

a pair of mallards wing over

high damn that crow

came in just as fast

making its target a

nest of small songs

yet to come, hatch

whathaveyou it will

never be exactly the

same way twice, love

nomatterwhat you do

Lay Upon This

The sun waking up in the clouds
look! it has come but still one
can see throbbing, undulating
internal organs – the sun’s
heat and pink skin too sky a
why oh why evoking tears
the way it lightly, ever so slowly
touched the bottom of each
so tiny many cumulus
just yet painful beauty
for such potential lay
upon this new day

HE KILLED SMALL ANIMALS

Yes

You heard me correctly the first time

Was a small squirrel, eye

Was squeamish and thought he was horrid, how

Could he really? Eye it

Rode ahead, i said, don’t do it near me

I can’t look, he agreed, like

Like he was doing it a favor, why i wondered

Do you think it feels pain at this point? It squirmed on two ends

Flat to the road in the middle, it’s already dead

Just leave it yelled back down the road, i saw him

Looking for a big rock, what on earth

Was he thinking, was it some weird wish-come-true

To have his hands be the bearer

The second time, i just witnessed the attempt

And who knows the truth of how it really turned out, i fear

He may’ve lied, but i was so exhausted, too much

Many things, that cat brought in alive, but that cat

Was once our baby, a kitten name Louis Armstrong was so cute

And soft and golden eyed, he did not deserve what he tried

To put him over the fence, into the certain death

a wide open road, with fast cars, i screamed and pounded

From the upstairs window!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?

He turned, standing w cat almost above his head – up to the backyard fence

About to do this deed of death, so blatant

We hardly spoke of it again, i was beginning to fear him

Made him promise he would never try that again

Made him promise, to find him a good home

That is where the lie might lay, whether he really took

Him to someone in need of a mouser

It was like a heaven for cats, he said, maybe his way

Of telling a truth, or a lie, he could die, and how would i survive

A new mother, exhausted, he refused to get up at night with the babies

“I have to work,” he said, as if

What i did was a country-club he said, as if

He wasn’t also having an affair with some employee

Do you think he could, would he

Go bigger next time?

TIME SPEEDS UP

I am feeling it increasingly more, with this latest slaughter. A jolt to the system, i mean it was just two days ago, but that first morning it happened, really it was late at night, but i woke to it. The longest day it seems when i look back on it seemed to last a couple days really, and then the next day i thought , was it only yesterday that it all happened? And you didn’t even get home until late that night, it was only early the next morning that i saw you , and then you are gone again.

Or who is? Who is gone, and who is here?

The shipping container magnet, he said, no a different guy, some Swed or Slavic or another.

And about the rats, he asked, too. And i hadn’t seen any evidence until after he left, god just the thought of that mouse nesting in the couch, mice of course. I feel so sick, and in the kitchen, under the sink,

i thought i would write once again, my thoughts, trying to keep up with all that i have to do, and thinking trying planning for some future that is unknown. Unknown and there is anger there for certain parts of it… i don’t see how it will come together that other part…

and the draft – this draft – keeps popping up in red that saving has failed . it is all right here though – so it is pointless. stop cutting into my conversation with useless distraction. it is just words here, i will post them later, no worries.

Anyone else awakened by the launch? It shook the house good, but as from afar. An approaching dread and then the bird just started; A signal the light is coming. That singular loud bird, and now it is quiet and i would try a little more sleep, perhaps. if it weren’t for the worry. The worry of some tyrant taking over our government only to increase his private profits, or my own husband dead by there hands; Their hands and their maidens who do their bidding, you know.

Campy, Wailing, The

They say the oil is so thick in Kit’ Canyon, SO thick that they will have to truck in lighter crude from that desolate Central Valley, Bakersfield or something.

We already have enough big trucks on the roadways, so much more than we used to have, and dropping all that debris, giving all the little ones flats and causing breakdowns.

They have to truck it all the way here, to mix it, blend it on-site, with some top secret cocktail of fracking who the frack knows what, in order to get it in a ready enough state to truck it back to Bake-O for further refining.

All that pollution, i mean just the thought of the noise pollution alone is giving me a headache, body aches really, it is other problems being compounded with general worry for our future’s welfare.

Like Time is a human, or living animate.

Well, it is not static, that’s for sure. How did you get here …

…

The wail of the siren came out from the speakers, one could see them across, all along, the borders of the county lines. Out of the speakers, from the lines of connecting poles, like trees but dead and cut off from the oxygen supply, “It’s a tsunami warning system, they said, it just started up again recently,”

“Why would they just start it now? It seems odd, like it hasn’t been in use for so long, until now? What would trigger them to start it now, if the tsunami up north two years ago didn’t do it? After that they put new signs along the coast, but everything is happening really fast now.”

“The flooding, you mean? It just started happening, I now, but in those other places. Not here, yet. Thank God.”

“Or whoever. Kim Jong Someone, anyway. The flooding is in those low coastal plains in the Southeast, nowhere near here. I don’t know, maybe I am just unfamiliar with this area in the Central Coast. Are we at some old ancient river mouth, sweeping into the Central Valley? Imagine if Someone just took a chunk out of this face, our whole mouth being gone…”

“As if the Airforce base is the living body. What would a nuclear warhead do to this mouth? A face without a mouth, a valley without a water supply.”

The high, long wail started again. “It’s just a test, they are just testing the system. Some people got notice in the mail, remember.”

“It just makes me hurt so, like the sound of mourning mothers in black hijab. Wailing, I think i feel it in my chest, like a balloon expanding.”

It’s the way the fear can trickle into our bodies, take over our senses and alter our reasoning. Everything starts to get blurry, and I can let go, and someone or noone will be there to catch me.

No one.

Or me, him, you know, the one. The One.

“Noone, you cannot be here when I need you. I am alone, in reality, even if you can hold me for this hour in the morning.” The alarm made him jump awake, startling her, too.

“Oh ! I have to go, I love you.”

“I know. You were moaning loudly in my ear, like we were making love or something. I don’t want you to go, i want to lay here for longer, forever, or just … I feel so sick about everything coming up this week, things I do not understand, too much to do and be done and falling away, parts that matter.”

When I ran for the school board, he did not support me, said i shouldn’t do it, for as much as i wanted to , saw the missing pieces in our elementary system, i wanted to make change for the good of our kids, all our community. But he had long meetings at night, already away, and it would be more of a burden on the kids, and the family, if i were to have to go too, to evening school board meetings. Again, i gave up my own desires and motivations for him, his lack of wanting to work more as a parent, he just wanted it easier ; so i decided i was not really running, even though it was too late to actually withdraw – and of course i had already given up tenure, long before, i was OK with that part as i wanted to focus on the bigger picture, my children’s lives and the system they were, all were coming up through.

I feel so sick, she thought to herself again. He was gone now. And she knew she could but would not , it is unclear. She felt the confusion, the blurriness. She used to write through it, but now her body felt heavy and sleepy, always so sleepy. She could just lie here and wish for it to be darker. Let the sun be blotted out, she thought.

And the bills, all the medical bills, for all the treatments, like rabies and…

At least you are immune now, you are at an advantage, it is all so … even the animals, you know …

Campy (a Memory)

There are images, i can hold, more of want than memory; but they might be, someone else’s. Memory, hopefully i like to think, i am creating it. Of that chair and how our bodies can be just right in it, connected as a chain, natural like nature, animals even. Smelling the roses and how i want you in my mouth like to bite and gnaw, maybe hanging on as i shake and feel the vibrations we can make. Who is it? Who can make me , as i imagine, coming face to face, more what comes before in time like words. Word is one who is OM is the sound i don’t know now. Before you see, a man can hardly do that i mean, and why would anyone else be so special it isn’t really even about that i am rambling it is only for a while, i know. But who? And i will just tell you how we were connected by skin, open and wet like kisses but more devouring and in such a primal way, that i say we are animals. Humans with these thoughts, i know what it was about, now i remember, it is how i care to be connected by more, and it is in my mind, the way i see us together the way i am with you no matter the distance none or infinite like death even i am not sure. But i have to see it in my mind, the love that i have for the person, be able to put myself in your arms nestled beside you as close as i can get, and feel that place as i want to be and how i want to be closer, lie there beside you and try to crawl up more into you, i know. I know, there is this physical attraction, but it is not that what i am talking about about it is how i know i want, or let myself have, and if i want to give myself to you. I do , i do, but for i think of the last time i was with him, him, i could be like any him, but it is just the one him that makes me sick and how i had such physical want but my mind it told me, it said you do not want and never again will i want him and i do not, it is in my mind is what i am saying, even when i am so parched or wet and longing for flowers, i want only the right flowers i cannot change it that is in my mind. And why can’t someone just be easy, and sleep here with me, just come, why does anything have to be so complicated, what could be the trouble? Trouble like that he said and everyone, it is like the judgement of some woman matters more than what this i am not knowing again and i will tell you how i have i was in reverse table, almost out of that low chair as you pull my body to the lip of the seat, just on the edge and you are like a dog , and i can hardly contain myself it makes me shake all the way up in my chest vibrates, my head light, i may forget where i am. And you do and i want so bad to pull you up and kiss you feel more my fingers all through your hair and your back and more skin i do not think i can wait, i come fast for even now i pant and you come up so quickly and stab me it hurts so good to feel your entire body on mine in me i can’t think i  know that is how, and i bite your shoulder and play with more of your body, i just want to play with it is all, little bits and see how it moves after

 

The silica

pollen as materialized light

all the individual

super organisms one

undividable entity

a bee

you as my gift