where am i

i seem to have created

you have i am sure it was not me

who hid it from others

where is it going,

dummy?

my featured image, me

my vine, wine, vino

yours. your vine, too.

wine opera sales – a novella

CHAP. 4 – WINE OPERA SALES – A NOVELLA

 

The stars just started their twinkle in the twilight as she turned and peaked through the paned window. It had been a bust day …

 

relative to most and she paused to admire the tall spires at the top of the ridge, just beyond the vineyards. Not at all unlike the Eiffel tower of her homeland, she had always thought; Now she saw black thick GOO spouting from its top, like a river of oil that might run down this canyon or spout out and rain down apon the picnicking Parisians.

 

It was dark and empty now, and she could hear the beasts starting to forage their way down. Hopefully the fences will do their job this time, she thought. She hated walking out alone, and not knowing if she would be charged by one or another hiding around the tractor. Or pounced on by one of the friendlier, yet no less deadly, cats.

 

between what is said and not meant. and what is meant and not said. most love is lost.

 

“Oh! The Cheese!” She remembered as she was leaving, and exclaimed it out loud to no one. Or maybe someone was always listening, with those ears. Seeing with those eyes in the sky, those cameras in our devices, one had no choice but to be tethered to them these days. Perhaps she was really talking to that old wild BOAR, she knew how he loved her. Secretly pined and snorted after her trail through the rows she loved to walk, and he followed. She made it there in the Tasting Room, quick in a pot, “ree-coat-ta!”she said out loud again. She loved to twirl her tongue and roll her t’s and r’s or whatever it was, but to hit the syllables hard and precisely. “Pot Cheese,” her feet seemed to shuffle in an odd gait, and suddenly she felt faint. It is here, in the cheese, i am telling you. The magic, or the proof, he sent it, you know Bobay, Bobee, you know. It means something… she was starting to drift, in and out, as if wide awake at night and then so suddenly zombied at the break of light. She decided to lay down for just a few minutes, rest a bit before driving that long, dark road, all alone.

 

She drifted nicely into a sleepy dream world where everything was. And nothing wasn’t right. A deadhead sticker on a cadiljac, a little voice inside her head said never look back, never look back, never look back. IT WAS ABOUT THE CHEESE, and the man, or the eye, the all-knowing. THE EYE SAW what she wrote, to others, not just to him, or her, whoever it was, probably both. AND after reading her messages with the wild BOAR, he mockingly sent her the goat cheese recipe she had suggested they make. She reached down and pet the boar now, his ugly horned snoat felt soft like her heart felt for him. You poor old beast, i would kiss you if you were just a little nicer, smelling, she smiled at him in dream, teasingly.

 

Listen, i am trying to tell you that –

i always listen. You have made barely a sound.

ok, right, i am sorry i can tend to be rather inconsiderate, at times.

It is such a beautiful concept really.

(kisses)

It really is.

via The Train

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME

 

FUR

via IT’S ALL ABOUT ME

E Babee ee

looks pretty and bites likes

it hard sometimes, other times too

and slow, like patchy clouds pink and

blue with rain on our cheeks, more

i think of honesty, he said that a lot, too

it’s about that in the moment, when we

talk, talk, talked and come, face to face

Florence and George, i love them all and

Marilyn, too, who will make

You. Who Do i Love sung loud

4/23/18 NO SLEEP

NO SLEEP

Till Tejas or just Hause the dude on the ranch i wish i had

Like that place where we go, to be

Too have it all – you know – as i see you

Everything or nothing,

 

nothing at all, said from the stairs

Be careful, a fall, exhaustion and drinking too much

Where have you gone to Jerry, Brown

Is downtown and remember

Remember – the love that the love that

The love that.

Everything Three-Thirty, 2003-2017

You know the drill, it’s the day and

Time stands still at certain moments, as if

Everything happened all at once, everything’s

Due, she said, of you your protector

A father, in the end and where he is

How we die, like them

Saved from our own or die fighting for it

Before death, do us part our own belongings

And it’s the day, the day, everything’s due

You see me, hear my cry

A full cycle of 13 plus one, mine a calendar

celestial

Or meridian The Church knew too, it must be there

At the castle, through the courtyard’s

Center yourself along the beam, walk forward and

Breathe. Please come back to the

Breath is where i found you, Oh

Mar on the whO’ehorizon, orange into blue too black

It’s even circular, like infinity goes back on itself

(like the heart, you said) and

Three Thirty, then if you go back to the beginning

Start over at three

Thirty three is there again and

Two of those make nine, which is the wholiest number really

I don’t know why, it had something to do with

Ruin stones and lore of divinity from the North

Everything

Due from me

On one day, and then death and start over

but the jokes on me be

Cause i am still here in my old body with all the baggage of childhood

Youthfullness, first-loves, seconds and how many more four

Literally under the same roof as my children now sleep

And my ovaries ache for something else than my body yearns

Om eye mean mar the sea, silly line just inserted for

Fill in the blank

My Grief is really a man and i

Oh, man and i, man and i had this epiphany just now:

BLOOD! The pirate’s shouted, it was and is written more like a playwrite before there were screens to be written for, Twain was

In this chapter a recreation of movement, the cat on his fire medicine and he on fire with greif for his own love

You know it is how i got the number

It’s origin story, the date – like where it starts

• Was the day he died, March 30, 2’3

And there are certain places in the World that are like Magic

Where people burn on the inside, with the pirate’s call

Blood and tears came with more blood this time,

and a thickness this epiphany

was of other things, too just

All at once, everything came in vision, the same like

You were here to take me to the party

 

The amount of shit i mean in my life and i do not know maybe it is YOU

The other side

I can’t even begin to say

Campy, Wailing, The

They say the oil is so thick in Kit’ Canyon, SO thick that they will have to truck in lighter crude from that desolate Central Valley, Bakersfield or something.

We already have enough big trucks on the roadways, so much more than we used to have, and dropping all that debris, giving all the little ones flats and causing breakdowns.

They have to truck it all the way here, to mix it, blend it on-site, with some top secret cocktail of fracking who the frack knows what, in order to get it in a ready enough state to truck it back to Bake-O for further refining.

All that pollution, i mean just the thought of the noise pollution alone is giving me a headache, body aches really, it is other problems being compounded with general worry for our future’s welfare.

Like Time is a human, or living animate.

Well, it is not static, that’s for sure. How did you get here …

…

The wail of the siren came out from the speakers, one could see them across, all along, the borders of the county lines. Out of the speakers, from the lines of connecting poles, like trees but dead and cut off from the oxygen supply, “It’s a tsunami warning system, they said, it just started up again recently,”

“Why would they just start it now? It seems odd, like it hasn’t been in use for so long, until now? What would trigger them to start it now, if the tsunami up north two years ago didn’t do it? After that they put new signs along the coast, but everything is happening really fast now.”

“The flooding, you mean? It just started happening, I now, but in those other places. Not here, yet. Thank God.”

“Or whoever. Kim Jong Someone, anyway. The flooding is in those low coastal plains in the Southeast, nowhere near here. I don’t know, maybe I am just unfamiliar with this area in the Central Coast. Are we at some old ancient river mouth, sweeping into the Central Valley? Imagine if Someone just took a chunk out of this face, our whole mouth being gone…”

“As if the Airforce base is the living body. What would a nuclear warhead do to this mouth? A face without a mouth, a valley without a water supply.”

The high, long wail started again. “It’s just a test, they are just testing the system. Some people got notice in the mail, remember.”

“It just makes me hurt so, like the sound of mourning mothers in black hijab. Wailing, I think i feel it in my chest, like a balloon expanding.”

It’s the way the fear can trickle into our bodies, take over our senses and alter our reasoning. Everything starts to get blurry, and I can let go, and someone or noone will be there to catch me.

No one.

Or me, him, you know, the one. The One.

“Noone, you cannot be here when I need you. I am alone, in reality, even if you can hold me for this hour in the morning.” The alarm made him jump awake, startling her, too.

“Oh ! I have to go, I love you.”

“I know. You were moaning loudly in my ear, like we were making love or something. I don’t want you to go, i want to lay here for longer, forever, or just … I feel so sick about everything coming up this week, things I do not understand, too much to do and be done and falling away, parts that matter.”

When I ran for the school board, he did not support me, said i shouldn’t do it, for as much as i wanted to , saw the missing pieces in our elementary system, i wanted to make change for the good of our kids, all our community. But he had long meetings at night, already away, and it would be more of a burden on the kids, and the family, if i were to have to go too, to evening school board meetings. Again, i gave up my own desires and motivations for him, his lack of wanting to work more as a parent, he just wanted it easier ; so i decided i was not really running, even though it was too late to actually withdraw – and of course i had already given up tenure, long before, i was OK with that part as i wanted to focus on the bigger picture, my children’s lives and the system they were, all were coming up through.

I feel so sick, she thought to herself again. He was gone now. And she knew she could but would not , it is unclear. She felt the confusion, the blurriness. She used to write through it, but now her body felt heavy and sleepy, always so sleepy. She could just lie here and wish for it to be darker. Let the sun be blotted out, she thought.

And the bills, all the medical bills, for all the treatments, like rabies and…

At least you are immune now, you are at an advantage, it is all so … even the animals, you know …

campy iv

his little sat between his legs like she was him.

or he was , maybe it is a he?

ok, maybe, just let me start the story.  It didn’t really work anyway, he has to play , he said, but that was not really the problem. Really she was almost non-existent, so tiny like infintesimal ;

why can’t you spell?

i can. why don’t you have a spelling assistant? i mean she needed a magnifying glass just to see, to be seen, the words, everything needed magnification in order to be …

So she sat there, and played, so tiny and still, she could barely feel.

i need to be alone more, in order to write, i decided. Authors are lonely by nature, and watch out what you wish for or …

Ants? yes, many of them. and where is a little auto-help for any of this? capitalize the first letter for me, unless i say otherwise.

Eye eye, cap’t my cap’t. Who are you?

Another over-worked, desensitized, lonely male. Wandering the woods alone, you had better be careful.

The streets are hardly wooded these days, all the trees dying, crashing down around us, blocking cars. Even if they could drive without the gas

Random thoughts of sex, another time ago. Give me something good, i don’t know.

“I don’t want put anybody down, ever. Sometimes we just lose touch.”

Forget, she finished her thought with his. “We forget, all of us are forgetting. Do you remember who i am?” She took off her top, and he squeezed her sides and made them puff up together in the middle, nuzzling his face into her chest.

She felt the pang, for something, something else. To be alone and with her own thoughts, writing. She wanted to tell him, to go away, it needed to stop. Maybe they could do this more later, less frequently, or … she wasn’t sure …

Then he fed her. something, a tidbit, some little morsel that placated and made her feel bad.

Mad at herself, she had wanted to talk about sex, or what was it …. Xome Come , come back for more.

Come back for more later, ……………………………………………………………………………

it was about the stars, and laying back with him, watching the explosions.

Burst really, and i don’t want to be done, done and bored. He keeps going, too, it is not only that.

Something about sex? and wonder, i wonder what is yours like? Does it still work, unlike his little, and is it a little or more like X … x or iv or iii. The first one , my love, and the last; they all had huge hearts.

And that rounded back like my great-aunt who delivered me from sin, original sin, you know, motherhood or …

Can we just get back to the topic? Or maybe you should sleep?

He came at her decisively, putting his hands on her face first , then his mouth over hers.

Campy iii

Too much sentimentality just comes off sounding false,

Whether i’ve felt it or not, butt

I don’t think

-it is even, that -it is more

A whining some songs sad

…

I wanted to say how afraid i was, i can go there so easily. Of the state of things like serious things, and we all seem to be just floating through this like

The wrong way turn around or i have nothing to say defeated winning what does it matter nor

I am right about everything, if i only knew what it was

Crawling on the ground between you r

Campy ii

I wanted to say how afraid i was, i can go there so easily. Of the state of things like serious things, and we all seem to be just floating through this like 

The wrong way turn around or i have nothing to say defeated winning what does it matter nor 

I am right about everything, if i only knew what it was 

Crawling on the ground between you 

You put

I mean i put, take your hand palm up and examine it

The lines and i let my finger follow a trail up your wrist, on the inside

And feel a pang of want that i know, from a long time ago, and

Another for the newness of babies skin – just the thought of your wants

Crying at the stars and how many do you see shooting, do

You speak in tongues, double talking, deceit-it sounds not

until something a word

I was wanting to talk about how i hide under covers, and get scared. Babbles on

and on about fear, and facing it and then

I am hit with it even here where i am just suppose to be spewing, not editing my

Thoughts, thinking, i am afraid , he said war it would start , and for you it has to do with

The media and i see them tightening control, the fascists are watching, calling

It sex, or pandering to your any want, it is possible, you can buy anything, you know B

Cause and who one might ask are they, they fascists – corporate greed someone sang it

Money, money, money, everything is about money, he answered defeated

But i keep my love is not included, nor should do i see yours that way, we can give it

Away for free and it takes away their power, but i didn’t start this to talk about them, their fears

Of being seen

for who they really are beneath plastic credit made to look bigger, better up

I am afraid of the world, what it is coming too sometimes, and the dark alone

More there are those bad people, and do you not know, or do you

And being way out there, isolated, that is scarey also more it’s not far enough removed for the

Apocalypse – you know b good with is what i said early on, and b just w so

Do you or don’t you and are you the one

Idk why i am formatting this this way don’t you hate it when words abutt twice, double like that

Talk too i am afraid it maybe that, double talk one to you, another way for her –

• Just assume it’s all for you, and hurry up –

Get with it, we can help each other make money and love, and perhaps hate others will, eye

Choose not too, i try my best, and not always in that this order, but i am

• Talking to You, and you

All of us together, too, anyone who wants to come, will you

Please! Stop just saying it! But do it. Yes, i want to, too.

There is that what you need, now plan it, because

I said so, and i know, like where you need to put your hand, flat

On my belly, it is smooth, more when i stretch up, and really feel that

Pang move through my body, and let it go lower, too

My low belly and

What if all the lights go out, and it is dark and cloudy, when

we can’t see anything

You lean in and whisper with our eyes are closed

…